


saudade; s.r

by prentissswhore



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Canon Related, Canon Rewrite, Depression, Drug Addiction, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Original Character Death(s), Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Fun, Trauma, i love tags, spencer reid is not okay, spencie has trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29512512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prentissswhore/pseuds/prentissswhore
Summary: saudade; (n.) a feeling of nostalgic longing for someone or something that one was fond of and which has been lost, carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the person or object might never really return. the love that remains.(or, the one where spencer can't move on from losing the one person he thought he would always have)
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Character(s), Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Kudos: 15





	saudade; s.r

**Author's Note:**

> TW // mentions of suicide, suicide attempts, depression, addiction, death
> 
> disclaimer // I do not claim to own or to have invented any copyrighted characters or concepts discussed in this work. I do however own the reader, her story, and the plot overall.
> 
> playlist // https://open.spotify.com/playlist/78WiwvLKAPxC0XRDpDLd7J?si=_y52owFtTjGlHxd_yYqDVg

saudade; (n.) a feeling of nostalgic longing for someone or something that one was fond of and which has been lost, carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the person or object might never really return. the love that remains.

5 months  
5 days  
9 hours  
28 minutes

That’s how long it’s been since you were alive. How long it’s been since you took your final breath. How long it’s been since you were begging the universe to let you see Spencer one more time. And in that amount of time you’ve come to terms with the fact that you are not with him anymore, and you hopefully won’t be for years to come. 

The hardest part of death has been watching Spencer from above and not being able to help him. He’s in denial. He doesn’t understand that you’re not alive anymore and it’s killing him. 

He’s not eating, he can’t, you loved food, how could he enjoy it without you? He’s sleeping too much, of course he is, dreams are now the only way he can see you, feel you, touch you, smell you, taste you, and if he can’t do those things then he can’t survive, right? He’s staring at the piano, the one you've had since you were a child, but he can’t bring himself to play, his notes will never have the rhythm that yours did, so why bother? He’s staring at the bookshelf, at the books that you organized, but he isn’t able to read any, reading was your peace, who would he be to disturb that? He can’t listen to music, it was the only thing that calmed you, why should he be allowed to feel calm when he doesn’t know if you are? He doesn’t workout anymore, it was the way that you released stress, what would he do if he didn’t have stress keeping him alive? He doesn’t breath anymore, you can’t, why should he?

If Spencer doesn’t acknowledge the fact that you’re dead it will keep eating away at him, piece by piece, cell by cell, atom by atom, until the only thing left is a shell of the man you were once proud to call the love of your life. You honestly can’t say that you’re proud of him right now, when the only thing you’ve ever wanted for him was to be happy, and he’s determined to make sure that he’s anything but.

1 year  
5 months  
5 days  
9 hours  
28 minutes

The five stages of grief. Everybody knows them, everybody despises them. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It’s been a year and a half now, and Spencer’s angry. He’s not really in denial anymore. Your birthday was the kickstarter for him, you weren’t there for him to spoil and celebrate all day, that hit him hard. So now he’s angry.

He’s angry at the man who killed you, that’s obvious, but he’s angry that the man is dead, that he didn’t get to punish him, throw him in prison, torture him, kill him with his bare hands. He’s angry at the man who killed you.

He’s angry at the team, they couldn’t save you, they save people for a living, they do it everyday, yet they couldn’t save you. You think he’s going to quit soon. He’s angry at the team. 

He’s angry at the universe, it knows that you are everything to him, that he can’t live without you, can’t breath, can’t eat, can’t function without you, yet it took you from him. He’s angry at the universe.

He’s angry at you, logically he knows it’s not your fault, but what if you had just held on a little longer? Kept your eyes open just a minute more? Tried harder to stay with him? You guys had your whole life ahead of you, marriage, kids, white picket fence, the whole nine yards, was that not enough? Was he not enough? He’s angry at you.

2 years  
5 months  
5 days  
9 hours  
28 minutes

It’s been two and a half years, Spencer’s still angry, but now he’s bargaining too. 

It’s as if he’s lost without you. He doesn’t know what to do with his body, his mind, or his life. 

You are soulmates. You always knew that, but to see the true effects of losing a soulmate, is an almost indescribable experience. 

You were everything he could ever need, the love of his life, his best friend, his shoulder to cry on, his motivation, and his downfall.

He’s making bets with nobody, if he can save enough people at the BAU then he can have you back, if he devotes the rest of his life to helping needy orphans, then he can see you just one more time, if he devotes his to religion, starts believing and praying, then he will be able to spend all of eternity with you. No.

He’s begging the universe, god, angels, satan, whatever theological being thought to exist that can bring you back, to do so, because if you are really, truly gone then life as he knows it is really, truly over.

It’s dangerous to bet your life on one singular person. To let yourself fall so in love that everything else matters that much less, to stake your happiness on the dependency of another person, actually, it’s stupid. But he did it anyway, and now he’s paying the price. He has to find a way to live without everything he’s known for the past five years, and it’s the most difficult thing he’s ever been forced to do.

Motivation is infrequent and irregular. He can not depend on motivation alone to live because if he did then he would be dead in three days. Instead he has to find a reason, a purpose, one beyond just living for you and your happiness. He finds that to be an impossible request, what is he living for if not you, what is there to strive for if not to make you happy, he seems to think the answer is nothing.

3 years  
5 months  
9 hours  
28 minutes

Three and a half years and Spencer has only gotten worse. He’s depressed. The fourth stage of grief is hitting him hard.

He quit his job six months ago. He couldn’t stand to work with the people who couldn’t save you, the people who failed you, the people he once thought of as his family, so he quit.

He started taking Dilaudid again five months ago. It was only a matter of time, anyone with a single brain cell could see that he would always be addicted. No matter how long he stayed clean for, how many NA chips he collected, how long he went without shooting up, there would always be that urge in the back of his mind to start again. It’s only natural, he’s addicted. The only thing keeping him clean was you, and your love, and the prospect of a future with you, and the way he knew that you couldn’t bear to see him so dependent on a drug. But you’re gone, and he doesn’t know if you can see him, he’s willing to take the risk.

He started drinking four months ago. It started with wine, red wine, your favorite, just so he could feel close to you. And then whiskey, and bourbon, and tequila. He didn’t drink that often, only when the pain got to be too much, when the memories hit a little too strong, when he found the box of letters you had been writing to him ever since you realized how important he would be to you. He started drinking to feel numb.

He picked up a knife and stared at it for the first time three months ago. That same month he also stared at razors and the gun he bought eight days after you died. He never did anything, just stared, contemplating. What would it feel like? Would he finally be free from the cage he lay in, the one he could never seem to find the key to, or would he move on to his next hell, after all, he did five more to go. He just wondered, like he always did.

The first time he kept his head under the bath water for just a little too long was two months ago. It didn’t mean anything right? He was just too weak and exhausted to keep his head up. That’s what you told yourself, but even you knew that was just a lie you told yourself to shoulder the guilt you felt over ruining his life. That feeling of clarity he got right before he almost passed out, as the water rushed into his lungs, and all he could hear was the slow, muffled tick of the ancient grandfather clock, made him want to do it again. For the first time in what felt like eternity, he felt peace, he wasn’t in pain, everything was forgotten. The things he would do to feel that way again.

He never did it again though.

You didn’t understand at first, but now you do. He doesn’t want to be alive. But he doesn’t want to kill himself. He knows that if he did, then he would fail you, and he can’t fail you, he never could. So, if he can’t do it himself then he has to find other ways, a combination of methods from which other people have managed to off themselves, but not taken to the extremes needed for death. Just enough poison and starvation and willpower should be enough to do him in, right? Wrong. He’s still alive, he doesn’t have the guts to make it lethal, can’t bring himself to fail you, even when you’re not there to fail.

4 years  
5 months  
9 hours  
28 minutes

Acceptance. The final step in the supposed five stages of grieving. It’s been 4 and a half years and Spencer isn’t there. He’s still in denial, still angry, still bargaining, and still depressed. He’s feeling so many emotions all at once, and he can’t even take a breath and try to comprehend them all. 

You don’t know if he’s ever going to accept the fact that you’re gone. 

But grieving takes time, and everyone works at their own pace, so who knows, maybe Spencer will move on and start actually living his life again, but until that time comes, he will forever be stuck in a cycle of self pity and yearning for a life that is forever gone. 

No one can help him, he has to help himself.

You are not coming back, he has yet to admit that to himself. On some primitive level he understands that he will never have you back, never get to build that life that you guys always dreamed of, but he takes all that knowledge and puts it in a little box in a corner of his mind, because the day that he admits that you are forever gone from his life is the day that he has to decide to move on. And he just isn’t ready for that yet. But someday he might be. And you will forever be waiting, hoping for that day to come.

**Author's Note:**

> hi my loves, i have plans for an epilogue maybe when spencer is really old, but i don't know for sure when that would be released <3


End file.
